Not very used to blogging or leaving any sort of footprint on the internet, have always been mostly a lurker, but I guess I'll try it for a bit.
Will probably use this website mostly as a journal or repository for things I have been doing or that I find interesting. Don't know if I will update it frequently. Don't really care if anyone sees this or not. Might post some weird shit or venting if I ever care about getting around to doing any of it.
No big reason for making this website, guess it's just for exercise mostly. Don't have any social media, have a Discord but I also mostly just lurk there. Haven't attempted interacting with people for a long time and the times in which I did haven't really made much of a difference. You get to a point in life where you just kinda come to terms that you're not the most interesting person for the people you surround yourself with. If anything this place acts as a diary of sorts, or at least as a reminder that I have any presence anywhere really.
Trying to find some passion in things again, so I decided to relearn C++, and along with it learn some Vulkan (learned a bit of OpenGL a few years ago, thought it was neat but never really kept studying it) and game engines (focusing on Unreal, but will probably attempt to learn other engines and maybe develop one of my own even if only for the sake of trying). Will (try to) keep this place updated with my current learnings, linking to whatever website or book I'm reading at the moment, so that anyone that stumbles upon it and is interested can check it out too.
I tend to be terrible with CSS/JS so I guess I won't go crazy with it here. While I do enjoy flashy and pretty shit, when I'm building something I tend to favor "practicality > presentation". So yeah this website will be mostly text lol
Lastly, this website's title comes from me trying to come to terms with some (very recently learned) problems of dissociation, especifically depersonalisation, that I've had... pretty much my entire life? Like, I cannot tell if there ever was a time where I have not felt like I wasn't distancing myself from my own life. It feels weird figuring something like that out, especially so late(-ish) in life, and it's been one of the main things in my mind lately. How I've never taken anything personal (compliments or insults) because I always felt more like a machine going through its functions than a person experiencing their life. How I had no expectations about myself. How I feel like there is no ego, but just an assembly of ideas at the center of my consciousness, shifting in reaction to whatever external stimulus hits me. Performing actions on autopilot. Feeling like you're not really here at all.
Took me remembering a lot about my childhood and a lot more self-awareness and self-reflection to realise I've mostly been doing this to cope.
Be seeing you.